"The Old Dude versus The Dreaded Supermarket Gambit"

One of my fans admonished me saying I was the only one who could make doing the laundry sound like fun.-----so today I am going to see if I can put a positive spin on doing the required acquisition of eatables----I may be over reaching, and I need to be careful----I'm running the risk of having my "Ralph's Senior Card" deleted from the machine-----creating an instant "street person". However I am reasonable confident Ralph's will not see me as a serious threat to their strangle hold on the San Fernando Valley.
Okay, today is Saturday, no big deal, that happens about the same time every week, pretty consistently. Now on Saturdays, as a hangover from back in the old days when I worked the 40 hour nine to five thing, this is the day I do my weekly grocery shopping, drop off cleaning at the dry cleaners, do the gardening and those chores one normally, when working a 40 hour week are two tired to take on when arriving home. Out of habit I have continued to bunch my chores into the Saturday time frame---now being retired, if they don't get done, there is always NEXT Saturday right? ---but I digress---this post is about the grocery acquisitioning task.
The first thing one absolutely must do, is prepare a list of those things needed to be bought. To enter the modern supermarket without a list----is sheer doom. The big mega markets we shop at today all have hired professional psychologists to advise them of what color packages to use, what eye level it should sit on the shelf--(ever wonder why the candies are down there staring the Lil kids eyeball to eyeball?)----the scents of fresh baked bread wafting through the store, the placement of what appears last minute of pots of fresh flowers and greenery---and notice too, no matter what time of day you visit the fresh produce section, somebody is there misting down the greens or polishing the apples and oranges keeping it looking oh so appetizing. Oh no, one MUST have a list of what he came in to buy---and not allow him/herself to be sidetracked into impulsive purchases---that's a quick trip to debt-ville . (how does a mom explain to her child he doesn't really need lunch money for school, her having over spent at the grocery market on impulse buys, and they can eat when they get home.)
So this old dude makes up his list of eatables and food materials that he will need for the coming week, planning my meals to be served for myself and the LP, verifying with multiple trips from the den to the kitchen to the pantry to determine if I have this or that already or need to buy more----I even take into my military precision planning to make use of what coupons apply to my final list. NOTE: Old Dude Grocery Shopping Law #1-- One NEVER allows a coupon to determine if an item is to be purchased. (one does NOT save a dollar buying something one doesn't need for five dollars just to make use of a dollar discount---all you have done is spend four dollars ya didn't and shouldn't have---hey its okay kids you can eat when ya get home).
Finally my list of foodstuffs completed, its time to go to -------THE STORE. I have carefully dressed in a so-so pair of Levi's, dirty white sneakers and a solid color (blue ) T-shirt. This outfit deliberately chosen to assist me in blending in with the many other rats running in the maze. (you laugh at me calling myself and my fellow shoppers as "Rats in a Maze"---have you stopped and analyzed the layout of your supermarket---its deliberately laid out, foods put in specific locations to almost guarantee any one person must travel up and down all the isles to get what is on their list---presenting to these "rats" scurrying through the maze--a zillion possible impulse whim purchases---its diabolical I tell ya.)
It would be much simpler if one didn't have so many variations on a theme presented to us for almost every item we wish to buy. Tomatoes?---one has to decide between about 15 varieties, sizes and color. Similarly, you wish to buy soup----40 feet of shelving 6 1/2 feet high, of all the various brands and flavors of soups--- (by the way believe it or don't but Ralph's did NOT have Cream of Asparagus soup in stock last week---I know cause I spent the better part of 30 minutes going through all the brands looking for it.) The same with just about everything else one might want, butter, potatoes, milk, ---the packaged sliced meats is a world in itself. It makes grocery shopping almost hell having to make decisions. Its not unusual to learn that some marriages have come apart just on the basis of the wrong brands of foods being purchased. I can almost understand THAT---here at home the LP watches cooking shows all day, then makes up HIS grocery list----and sends me to the store. (between his coming up with some weird brands and his lousy spelling, I have come close to a nervous breakdown trying to complete his shopping for him. (I believe I have told you before about the P B Cookie dough incident in one of my older posts, but it illustrates the problem---long story short, I found the cookie dough section of Ralph's, but it took me some time to translate the "P B" into Palm Beach cookie dough, but I finally did---by then my ice cream had melted and I had to get a fresh package).
Aside from all the above terrors of shopping, all in all a trip through our modern supermarkets is quite an experience, foods from all over the world are on display for purchase, ginger roots, juamarabbi's,(Mexican potatos), and dozens of things that our multicultural population here in Los Angeles requires for their eating habits. The store is air conditioned, one can even purchase a roll and coffee to munch on while rolling through the miles of isles-----but like I said, without a list-----(shudder)---they do take all the major credit cards however.

GOOD LUCK AND GOOD HUNTING

Super Market Time

Some people have a pathological fear of Supermarkets. These people will drive miles out of their way to obtain groceries from roadside stands, or small niche market stores. They almost always take as much advantage of their friends and neighbors as they can---using the old, "oh if your going to the supermarket today, gee, gosh could you pick up a couple items for me" routine. I feel kinda sorry for those people---supermarkets being such a main social center of modern lives as they are---to have a fear of them----that's not living , that's merely existing.
I myself have no fear of the Supermarkets---I go in KNOWING in advance that in all probability I am going to come out with my blood pressure raging, my wallet screaming "rape", my mind in total turmoil, not having found this or that and now having to substitute and totally revamp my weeks meal planning that I had spend a good 15-20 minutes working on in preparation to going to the store. Like HELLO, going to the supermarket is probably the highlight of my week. and its air conditioned too.
Today, is Tuesday, this is the day I do the LP's grocery list. I received the list and my detailed instructions last evening, and I am pleased to report I am quite confident I Will be able to acquire all of the items, the only sticky part will be as I get checked out---and ask for $200 in cash----this slows the clerks down as almost always they have to call the assistant mgr, who has to go to the back room to get the extra cash (I have noticed over time however if I shop late in the after noon, more often than not the clerk will have sufficient cash in their drawer to handle my request).----but again even in my worst case scenario, I get the cash and the trip will be a successful one.---I will plan on hitting the market about 2-2:30pm---after the lunch rush, but before the 4pm "oh my gawd he will be home from work in an hour and I don't have anything to cook for dinner", rush.----and I need to review the list with my collection of usable coupons---its gonna be a good day.

Coupons are for the Mentally Suspect

First off I'm a guy, so what could I possible know about couponing---thats strictly the province of the other Gender. Well I admit I am not an expert by any means but I do observe while standing in the lines waiting for this or that Coupon Queen to resolve their negotiations with the Checkers. I mean talk about reality intertainment-----like the drama expressed should make Couponing a category all to itself---they could call the award handed out a "Cupie Doll".
Anyway again and again I hear the plaintive (usually over emoted) cry of , "ohh I thought it was for any size box, I can't afford the big container, can't you let it go just this one time--the checker shakes her head negatively and gives the customer a heartfelt look of condolence, the customer then moves on to phase two, well if I don't buy the two boxes of cookies then I could afford to buy the larger box and the coupon would then be good right, okay lets do that" I wait while the poor box boy takes the now rejected cookies and gets the larger box of product to make teh coupon work, while the checker goes about deleting the charges for the cookies previous rung up and enters the cost of the now accepted larger product box.---I begin to suspect maybe my checkout line will proceed to make some progress----WRONG---THE INSANE LADY HAS A FIST FULL OF COUPONS, -----my life kinda flashes in front of my eyes, and like a mouse held by the stare of a snake, I watch mesmerized---as the customer and the checker go through the waht I now know is a perfected routine for each---each testing the other to see if they can make them make a mistake, or stumble first---this coupon calls for two of something, not just one, this couple is expired by three days, but the women had bought some of that product several days before but didn't have the coupon with her and well you know----uh-huh,--- nuh-huh---nice try, didn't fly----in my mind I have now taken sides with the checker I am really almost holding my breath as the two work through the pile of coupons, the checkers fingers flying on the cash register, subtracting, adding adjusting---my whole world narrowing down to just these two----now audibly muttering yahoo or boo depending how things went in the back and forth drama----but then finally all the coupons had been worked through---I was like a drunk waking up from an all night bender. My head throbbed, I was kind of disoriented, for a second or two I wasn;t sure where I was or even what day it was----but then reality kicked fully in and I waited to move up in the line---but no wait---the Mad Womens credit card was no good, perhaps a check, what ID did she have??,--- but the mgr of the store knew here husband and-----.
I am very careful only now to get in line clearly marked "no coupons"--------